because i want to

wooo! ok, so the shoot with aaron went well. he was a great model...funny, charismatic, and incredible comfortable in front of the camera. i was sick for the past week so i haven't been able to mail out his cd, but now that i'm better I'll be sending that to him tomorrow or Thurs. I hope he's not too sore because of the delay. I'm just glad I dont have mother fucking swine flu. That would have been an unpleasant pair of sweaty balls to deal with =T. I'm still working with Azalea. I need to balance my time better, work work work....little shooting and creative play. it's a wonder i manage to have a girlfriend. she's a fucking keeper. who else would enjoy homework parties the way she does? =] *swoon* my brilliant little freedom fighter <3 christ. she makes me want to fight for a better world. you know...after making fun of how tiny my fists are =P. annyyywayyzzz...steering away from bad lesbian jokes, i have an upcoming shoot with michi on saturday, and a rescheduled shoot with raj mayhem for dec 5th or so. i'm really excited to work with both of them. pretty fa-fa-faaces pretty pretty faces on paraadeeee. *^_^* ok...im cool. oh! i'll be in jersey for a few weeks in december and the beginning of january. i'll be shooting with some ladies out there and will be in need of an assistant to help with my lights. as suggested by songie in my last blog...i need someone with attitude...and the strength of hercules.

Holy Hell! O_O

I haven't written in this blog in ages! Well, much updating to be done! I *did* get that internship over the summer, which turned into a full-time gig. Unfortunately, David decided to pack up ED7 and move back down to San Diego and liquidate everything. He's auctioning off the rest of his goods with some high-end company and leaving his studio lights and misc equipment to me =D. Woohoo! In other news, I finally sent in all my stuff to "Ignite" (the magazine looks amazing!) and I started working for Azalea in Hayes Valley, doing their product shoots and updating the website. It's pretty bomb. I like all the new clothes..just need to work on getting everything settled and organized. There's just so much to do that I'm a little overwhelmed...as of late all my personal projects are backed up. I've toyed with idea of pulling more time out of my ass and extending my work day..but then I would want to stab myself in the face... repeatedly with a handful of expired animal tranquilizers. But I don't think many people would want to work with a photographer who's face quivers with needles every time words manage to escape her mouth. RAWR. So a couple of bumps with this latest project, but that's ok. I'm shooting this Sunday with Aaron Sticotti. He's going to play my Odin out in Sutro baths. After work I'm gonna grab his wardrobe and use the rest of the day to work on my site...if I have time before Ashley and Molika's thing, more work on Azalea. GODS! SO MUCH TO DO. Yesterday, I was so overwhelmed with people not coming through and just shit piling on top of itself that my eyes started leaking and strange strangled angry sounds came out of my mouth. I think I might have swallowed a turtle...because it sounded like a warped version of what a turtle sounds like when it's having sex. Was that gross? You bet it was. Anywho, when my face stopped peeing and making those horrible noises, I calmed down and went back to work. What the fucking else can you do?!? ;D Oh well, somehow I'll factor gym visits to keep me sane. Got a list of trainers willing to trade with me for sessions. MAO. Off to do more work! Ninja ninja ninja!

;-;

;_; i dont know what im doing...or whats going on. all i know is that i feel like im fucked. i. am. terrified. this body suit of tingles that keeps forming over my skin is starting to get heavy. i can barely raise my arms or lift my head. ;_; and every time i try to shake it off, it just comes back thicker. all this shit makes me nervous. ..she makes me nervous. what the fuck am i doing?

@@

It's been a while since I've actually shot anything that wasn't an event. :O The more complete I become the weirder I feel. =] Oh well! Here's one I did of Ilektra a while back when I was bored in the basement room.





This upcoming weekend is Pride weekend. So I guess I'm supposed to be gayer for those 2 days than I am during the rest of the year. I dunno if it can be done, but it should be fun. lol oh jeez. seriously though. I'm so tired. I'm using this week to detox for Sat and Sun. Yeah. Ugh. TIRED. x.x I just wanna sleep.

o.o

"I'm ready. Sign me up. Where do I start?"

"How's" the question isn't it?

lists.

I might have to fly out to the Philippines on Sunday. More family trouble. But I'm OK..and everything else will be too. Whether or not I go depends on what my boss has to say. I already know that the people at my gym job are gonna hate me..but I don't know what else I can do. Life happens. Mew. Tomorrow I'm just gonna wake up early and try to get as much done as I can before work. Abs class...quick run...then city hall. La-di-daaa. We'll see. Hopefully I get everything done.


Ah. So today I got sick of editing GAP photos...so I revisited an older shoot.

Model: Jenny Ma

a new set of balls.

bigger ones.

better ones.

that's what it feels like i've got. ok. not literally. but i feel better about things. less scared. and i feel good. i just want to get better! create! =] and it seems like i'm still breathing, so i definitely have time to do those things.



other things on my mind? yep. im such a guy. =]

Fear Eats the Soul

I'm terrified.

Constantly terrified of failure. I feel so crazy sometimes. I'm so obsessed with this possible future...this career...that everything else blurs into the background. I wonder about my difficulty to interact normally at work. I'm comfortable with any social situation that doesn't pertain to my profession. When it does, I suddenly become introverted and only want to bury my head in my projects. Which I suppose isn't necessarily a bad thing...but it's becoming increasingly hard for me to carry out a normal conversation. All of a sudden my words feel forced, unsure... frightened! I am so intimidated by these people! I can do it! I know I can! >_< But I'm so fucking scared! I need some balls! WTF, kid!?!? ::punches self:: If you have a spare pair, please donate it to the "Kina-needs-to-stop-being-a-damn-pansy-ass" Fund.






Listening: MGMT - Kids
yay! my happy song! >=O

YES

That's what everything and everyone seems to be saying. I'm enjoying myself far too much to question this run of events. All I have to say is :o fuck yeah. Hell to the fucking yeah >=D.

I'm editing a lot of old pics that I owe to my test shot kiddies and random shoots. I got a commercial gig which could possibly lead to an internship. We'll see. Let's see how far this "yes" momentum goes =}.

:)

I may not stop smiling for days.

It's been so long since I was able to have a physical AND emotional connection with someone. It felt amazing. :) And I am grateful.

running.

Tina: "Have you two hooked up yet??"

Me: ((~_~ wtf.)) ..




I got too comfortable. Didn't keep up my pace. Fixing that today and tomorrow. AND THEN I'M FUCKING FREE.

o.o;

wow. talk about karma.

i didn't think i'd see her again. o_o and not in the way that i did. weird.

:o

Wish I didn't feel this way.

sad.

I know it's been gone for a while anyways..

sad.

Time to preoccupy myself.

happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgBeu3FVi60

this keeps me moving. :)

I..am...so...hungry.

I want sleep. i want food. i'm done printing. fuck. yeah.


Models: Corey + Jeff B.

hehe..naked. heh.

cigarettes are bad

too bad they cost less than food out here. bah. after finals hopefully i'll be able to satisfy the hunger rather than curb it.

another shoot today. this one is more thought out. i'm excited. tired. but really fucking excited. i have 2 more themes to shoot. ..maybe 1 if i can figure a way to work yesterday's shoot. i want this to finish. badly. not so much because of the fatigue and lack of sleep..but for the first time i really want to see the finished product come together. ok. game on. time to smoke a dragon stick.

MAS!

another shoot today, another tomorrow. i feel good. today is beautiful. if i can sustain this feeling for another week it'd be amazing. then i can crash and sleep the bad parts away. XD yar yar..sleep it all away. O_o hurray for escapism! ^_^

DEATH ROSES RAH RAH RAHHH

I had a good shoot today! Yay! (lol i just heard someone from my roommate's room fart in their sleep. it's either her or her friend...::giggles::)

Here's a fun one...kinda rough, kinda unedited, kinda not, but super cute in my opinion.













Models: Jenny Ma and Ping
MUA: Sovanmolika Son
Special Thanks: J. Espinoza + Christine

Butts butts butts, I totally had fun freezing everyone else's off. Thankfully, mine was immune. Hurray for too much booty in the pants!! I need to find someone comfortable with posing in their underwear as well as choose which of these I'll use for my final. =_= Mao. Back to work =_=;.

//edit grrr...for some reason the image is heavily desaturated when i upload the web version. =_=

oh yeah! here's one for alison's shoot =O

OK

So pretty frenchie pants is a flaker. Am I frustrated? Yep. However, my shoot with Brigid went well and hopefully I'll be able to use her for my Wednesday Loc Lighting class. It's a toss-up between her and Ron. *sigh sigh* He's so pretty! Today may go well, or it might be fucked. So far EVERYTHING is up in the air. I haven't been able to get in contact with my model to confirm...and I dont have a *sure* mode of transportation. Fuck me in the balls, eh? Oh well. Let's see how this goes.

inspired. and without quarters.

Animal Cannibal!

I was so inspired last night to be creative that I did 2 things. I contacted an old friend to see if she wanted to work together on shoots again...and I had a homework party with Jepp (Jeff). I can speak positively for both of those actions. I'll be assisting for a shoot this Sunday, and I plowed through a shit load of editing! And it was quite a load, sirs. Quite a load. After I finished, Jepp started playing the guitar and taught me 2 new songs. =D I get so excited when I learn something new! My eyes literally look like this "<>_<>" whenever I'm interested in something. He's a pretty good teacher! I think I'll bug him for more lessons this summer. =((( While he's still in Cali! Oh well. He's pretty neat. I'm glad we finally started hanging out. Yung and their other roommates are pretty wee-filled as well.

Today, I have a shoot with a girl named Lucie. She's pretty hot. And it's not necessarily her face that makes this so. (Though she does have a nice one.) But it's more of her attitude and that crazy french accent of hers. HOT! =T We have a correspondence through a few emails going on... =T but I don't think she really understands what I need. Perhaps I need to learn French and destroy the language barrier. >_< Oh well. I hope this turns out to be a good shoot. I'm following it up with another one right after, and another one after work tomorrow. I still need to figure out transportation! UGHHHH. Hopefully things won't suck between me and Josh...if not..x_x ugh...I don't really know how I'm gonna get my models to the location.

Oh yeah. My current situation...I fell asleep at Jeff's place. And I only have 25 cents. Normally I would just walk home from wherever I crashed...but this time I'm pretty fuckin far. I misplaced my flying magic carpet. So I'm n all sorts of suck.

AAU Fashion Show

This was my first time to attend an AAU fashion show...and I have to say..the designs were...AMAZING. I feel so fucking inspired. I can't wait for my next shoot. Though I've never worked with a few of these girls, I'm excited and hope we have a good chemistry.

posting lotion

Yeah! I finished half of my digital printing final yesterday! And I'm really proud of the images and concepts. I can't wait to start editing these poopies. But they'll have to wait a bit. I have a shoot today for Allison (SP) and then studio time tonight. I'm not sure if I'll need it or be able to use it...but we'll see! I'm glad Yayao is here. She's an egotistical butt face, but she's calmed me down quite a bit. And I'm finally starting to feel kind of OK...or at least understand why I feel the way I do. Sigh sigh. What have I done? Opening this door to emotions and shit. How terribly annoying to have to accept truths. It's so much more pleasant to smile and laugh and pretend everything is going to be OK. Because in my pretense, I start to believe it. I start to hope. Ugh. Oh well. Here it is. Here I am. A silly bag of flesh with ooey gooey feelings. Sigh sigh. At least I have my camera.

yeah.

I miss my fucking friend.

..But i can't help but feel stupid for doing so.

Fuck.

ARGH!

~_~ whatever.

On another note...i have a shoot tomorrow.  Two possibly.  Maybe even 3 if I get in contact with this girl.  I heard she's a flaker...but she's so cute! So I hope that's not true.  Yaz is coming out to Cali for a week!  I'm excited.  I'll have someone to calm me back down and help me with my finals.  Yep.  I already warned her it wasn't going to be a fun site-seeing trip if she visited me around this time, but she seemed eager to get out of Jersey and work on stuff with me.  So again, I am excited.

we did scars today in makeup class.  i <3 Harry Potter

Finals.

ErfFff.  So I'm writing my artist proposal for one of my finals, and instead of wholeheartedly concentrating on it, I am creating a blog where I can vent about my frustrations with it.  My problem with this thing is the fact that someone has to actually read it and pull forth a solid idea.  Which means my shit has to make sense.  Fuck.  Sadly, the last time I wrote a comprehensive paper was 6 years ago.  Since then I've successfully completed a few thoughts here and there...sometimes aloud, sometimes on paper, sometimes in my sleep.  I'm a very witty person in my dreams. 

Heh.

Fuck, man.  I'm reading what I have written so far and I keep coming off as a crazy person.  All i know how to do is rant.  And even *that* is rare nowadays.  

I need to start casting for this project.  I have a bunch of shoots lined up.  But most of them are just for fun, or to help others with their assignments.  Wait, scratch that...they're all for fun and most are for other people's assignments.

At least I got to shoot for that Gloss guy.  He likes me and is interested in getting me jobs with Gloss.  ::laughs:: naked gay men it's almost perfect ;D.

mRraahhh I'm eating a chocolate covered spicy mango.  amazing.

ok, seriously, kid.  Stop procrastinating!